Five Ways Negative People Drain Your Energy and What To Do

If you’ve ever lived with or shared an important portion of your day with a highly negative person, you know how draining it is. No matter how positive your attitude is or how much you try to protect yourself emotionally, they end up having some sort of impact on you. I’m in this situation now (and was raised by very negative people), so I took some time to think about it and see just how it’s affecting me, hoping that understanding things better will help. This is what I found:

1. They unload their problems on you. Sharing difficulties is a common thing among friends and family (and sometimes strangers), and there’s nothing wrong with it, of course. After all, having a support system and someone to talk to is very important. However, it shouldn’t become a burden. Negative people have an ability to not only tell you the specifics, but to convey their deep, negative emotions very effectively. So what starts as sharing their problems, ends up as transferring their negative emotions over to you. If you’re very empathic or sensitive, chances are you’ll end up feeling as if their problems are your own.

What to do? My strategy is to differentiate my problems and their problems in my mind. It’s okay to feel sympathy for them, but you shouldn’t adopt their problems as your own. You have enough going on already.

2. Their emotions are contagious. Negativity, anxiety and stress are all contagious feelings. So are joy, happiness and enthusiasm. Being close to a negative person for extended periods of time will wear you down, and probably cause you to start thinking negatively yourself. Sometimes all it takes is one conversation, and you’ll be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

What to do? Do things to develop and sustain your good mood. Meditate, go jogging, work out, do yoga; or dedicate at least fifteen minutes every day to a hobby you love, whatever it is. It will relax you and remind you that there are good things in life, too.

3. They become emotionally dependant. It doesn’t always happen, but if your relationship is close, the negative person will start depending on you. They will want to share their negativity every time they feel it, and they’ll expect a strong reaction out of you -even if one isn’t warranted. They’ll want you to make decisions for them and be available at all times to pander their needs. And they will complain if you choose not to accommodate them.

What to do? Don’t rush to indulge their requests every time, especially when they aren’t rational. Be your own person and react in the same way you would if it was a normal situation.

4. They say no to everything. No matter what you suggest that might make their lives easier, they say no (and often end up contradicting themselves as well). They don’t want to go for a walk, they don’t want to stay home, they don’t want to have coffee, they don’t want to see a therapist, they don’t want to try yoga, they don’t want to rest more, they don’t want to get out of bed, they don’t want to meet with their friends, they don’t want to find a new job, they don’t want to read a book, they don’t want to try to see things differently, they don’t want to, they don’t want, they don’t, no. Whatever comes out of your mouth will be met with a negative answer. They’ll probably get frustrated with your suggestions, thinking you don’t understand them, and complain about that, too.

What to do? For the time being, stop expecting them to agree with you. It’s hard for them to see things in a positive light. They’re going to say no to most of what you say, and it’s best for you to make your peace with that.

5. They don’t respect your own needs and wishes. This is perhaps the most damaging aspect. They might care about you, but they are terrible at showing it. Because they expect to be your first priority in life, they will constantly demand your time, though not always in an obvious way. Their demands can be very subtle, but effective. Pay attention to how many times you end up postponing your own life in order to attempt to help them. How much are you sacrificing? Social life? Time dedicated to work? Alone time? Sleep? They’re taking it all.

What to do? Set some limits. They’re not going to like it, but it needs to be done. Be as explicit as necessary. Some example phrases: I need to finish some work or my boss will get mad at me; I haven’t slept enough in weeks; I need time to meet with my friends and relax. Again, they’re probably not going to like it; let them. You deserve time to relax and to take care of your responsibilities.

My journey with Buddhism

About five years ago, I googled the word “meditation”. I’m not completely sure what made me do it. I know I was struggling with anxiety, and trying to finish my thesis dissertation, without much success. But I don’t remember exactly what led me to that search. It could have been an article on the internet, maybe. The important thing is that I clicked search. 

One website caught my eye right away, it was wildmind.org (which I recommend if you’re interested). I began reading their posture workshop and mindfulness of breathing guides. It took me a while, probably a couple of weeks, to read it all thoroughly. The guides are meant for anyone who is interested in meditation, and no religious conversion is required at all, but mentions of the Buddha and his teachings are understandably made. I started practicing meditation and soon felt some benefits. (As a side note, Buddhist meditation is one of the most effective things I use to deal with my anxiety.)

Besides the practice of meditation itself, I became interested in the ideas behind it. Reading about them made me feel good, and I wanted to know more. So I googled again, and went on to read books, articles and such on the topic of Buddhism.

It wasn’t until last year that I started reading the Suttas (Buddhism’s sacred texts) in earnest. I wish I’d done it earlier, but perhaps it wasn’t the right time. You certainly get a different perspective from reading the Suttas directly than you do from reading books about them. When you’re reading a book about Buddhism, you’re getting the author’s opinion on it. No matter how hard anyone tries to be objective, their own views are there (sometimes more obviously than others). There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. I’ve found, however, that I prefer to read the original discourses and do my own interpretation. By doing this, my understanding of Buddhism has changed noticeably, and I’m still just scratching the surface.

I don’t consider myself a Buddhist, though I’ve felt tempted to define myself as such several times in the last five years. There are still some things I’m not comfortable with, especially the more, say, supernatural aspects of it. The fact that I don’t know any Buddhists outside of the internet doesn’t help matters, either.

Will I convert to Buddhism? Will my family and friends give me the same funny look they gave me when I told them I meditate? I don’t know. Maybe. At this point I feel that it would be disrespectful to Buddhists to call myself that, when I’m not even sure it’s the right path for me. I do find the more practical teachings very useful, and their basic ideas ring true, for the most part.

My journey with Buddhism is constantly changing. I guess nothing in this life escapes from impermanence.

Quicksand Anxiety & Why I Stopped Fighting It

Have you noticed how much anxiety and quicksand are alike? I’ve been dealing with anxiety for about fifteen years, and I’ve tried lots of things to manage it. Medication and psychotherapy (several times, combined and by themselves), Buddhist meditation (one of the most effective things I’ve tried), positive thinking (useful, though I’m not always in the mood for it), the paradoxical technique (in which you purposefully try to make yourself more and more anxious until it seems absurd, a complete failure for me –I just got more anxious), exercise, less caffeine, less carbs, more sleep… You name it.

About five years ago, I was in the middle of a college final, and I was completely terrified. I had to pass that class, it was one of the last credits I needed. I was also shaking, having palpitations, sweating and feeling the urge to run out of there. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t utter a word. What was I going to do? I needed to pass! I needed to do well! If only my anxiety would just go away.

I’ll repeat that last sentence, because it’s key in what I’m trying to say: if only the anxiety would just go away.

It hit me at that moment that it wouldn’t. That I couldn’t magically make it go away. I had been trying to calm myself down, and the damn, stupid anxiety was still there. It also hit me that it had been there hundreds of times before, and I had survived many exams. I’d done it all, with the anxiety. And I knew I’d feel it again in the future. The anxiety was a part of my life, so I accepted it. I don’t mean that I liked it, was happy about it or even that I gave up. No, I accepted the terrifying and – ironically – liberating truth of it: I would get through my exam feeling anxious and I would survive it.

The moment I realized that I could do it (because I’d done it so many times in the past and I would again in the future), I was able to stop focusing on it and start focusing on the exam. It’s not that I forgot about my anxiety, or that any of the physical symptoms completely went away. It was that I was in control again, and my anxiety was not. I was able to think, I was able to speak. I was able to remember what I’d studied. And I passed the exam.

I learned something very useful that day. Anxiety is like quicksand. The more you fight against it, the faster you sink. If you focus all your energy and thoughts on how anxious you feel and how you’re convinced that you’re in a situation where everything is going to hell (even if most of the time it doesn’t actually happen), you’re just feeding your anxiety. The way to get out of quicksand, as you might have heard, is to stop struggling with it.

Now, I know that sounds impossible. You’re in the middle of a panic attack and you should stop struggling? It sounds like cheap advice from someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about, doesn’t it? But I’ve done, and I assure you it’s possible. Here are the steps:

1. Remember that you’ve survived similar situations before. These are huge accomplishments, and you should feel proud.

2. Understand that it won’t magically go away on its own.

3. Know that it doesn’t need to go away right now because, after all this time, you’re an expert at surviving situations like this. You could write a book about it.

4. Accept your physical and emotional feelings of anxiety without focusing all of your attention on them.

5. Gently guide your attention back to the task at hand, as many times as needed.

It’s not a magical solution, but it doesn’t have any side effects, it’s free, and you can do it. You’ve done it before hundreds of times. Now you just need to gradually learn to focus your attention on what’s important. And what’s important is reclaiming control of your life.